Reality

Things the last couple of days have not been all that rosy. Since my last post, I really thought we were getting a hang of this parenthood thing. In some ways, we have. Changing a diaper is not as foreign to us anymore, and we are getting quicker at it. Figuring out the best way to soothe Griffin is also becoming a bit easier, as we know he likes to curl up in a ball on our chest and cuddle.

Unfortunately, Griffin seems to have hit a cranky stage now. He keeps us up at all hours during the night, and prefers to sleep all day. His sleeps are quite interrupted, and he will only sleep for small stretches of time before he lets out a wail. He wants to be fed every hour to hour and a half, despite drinking copious amounts of milk. After doing some research and speaking with a nurse, we deduced all of this to a growth spurt that he is having. I am not sure how long this will continue for, but I have to look at growth spurts as a positive thing. When I think of him being in NICU and so fragile, of course I am thrilled to have him eating and growing to a healthy weight. Even if this does take its toll on mommy and daddy.

The reality is, I never imagined in a million years that parenthood would be so tough. I feel like I am on auto-pilot all day long. I do my dutiful mother duties (pump milk, change diapers, change baby outfits, feed baby, soothe baby) all in a complete daze. Most days, I barely have time to look in a mirror. Jonas and I are operating on the most minimum amount of sleep. Sleeping for two straight hours in a row seems like such a luxery now. A typical night is me getting two hours of sleep, but at interrupted intervals. I find it very ironic, since I needed at least 7-8 hours before to function. I find myself constantly feeling like I am failing, and wondering if we are the only parents that go through this. And yes, I have admittedly had numerous meltdowns. Leaving Jonas and I to question if I have the dreaded postpardum.

I don't know what I expected. I honestly thought this was going to be a piece of cake. I have always prided myself on my ability to multi task, and be extremely organized. But I have no control over this at all, and I realized that I have to adjust my thinking. And instead of thinking to next week, I am taking things one day at a time. Everyday that we get through this transitional stage, I congratulate ourselves for making it through another day. And that each day during this stage will get us closer to that period where things will get easier.

This could be the sort of thing that drives a wedge between couples. But this has only made me appreciate Jonas more. He has stepped up enormously. I feel closer to him than I ever have before, and I know it's because we have been through so much together in such a short period of time. I have a new appreciation for parents that have more than one child. This is by far the toughest gig in life.

Everytime I question myself about how I am doing, I try to pull myself together and tell myself that we can make it. This is where my determination and being strong-willed comes in handy. Traits that I think Griffin inherited. At the end of the day, the lack of sleep and baby crankiness still does not even measure up to this perfect little human being that we created. Feeling him cuddle up to us, and recognizing who we are is worth everything.